20 things I’ve learned in 20 years

This post has been a long time coming. I turned 20 in January, and somehow it’s now April. How did that happen? So I thought I’d jump on the current trend, at least on YouTube, of making a list of things you’ve learned in the ___ years that you’ve been alive. These are not by any means things that I have mastered, but more things that I am working on every day, but that are lessons I’ve learned, many of which the hard way, from living my life.

So here it goes.

1. Not everyone has to like you.

   In fact, many people will not like you. That is their business and their right. However, this does not give them the right to be mean to you. Keep your head up, because if they are judging you or belittling you, it’s them who’s below you. Maybe they’re jealous. Or maybe they’re just having a bad day. Don’t try to understand their situation without having first lived it. Only the person themselves can truly explain and judge their own life.

2. Stop comparing yourself.

   Okay. So I am REALLY trying to make this work. Seriously. Theodore Roosevelt one wrote that “comparison is the thief of joy” and I couldn’t agree more. Our minds are hardwired to compare, as that was what kept us alive in the early human life (think cavemen). The more food you had, the less likely you were to die. The faster you could run, the less likely you were to die. The better you were with people, the more likely you were to pass on your genetics. However, the comparison has gone too far, and it does rob people of joy. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday. However, don’t take that rule as cement. As humans, we have bad days. We have setbacks, and sometimes lots of them. As I stated above, we can not know what goes on in other people’s lives, behind the scenes, so to speak. And if you are not as good at painting as one of your peers, that’s okay! You will not be the best at everything, and that’s okay. It does not determine your self-worth. Your attitude does. The earlier you start, the easier it will be to stop comparisons before they become a dangerous habit.

3. It’s OKAY to make mistakes. Lots of them.

   Without making mistakes, we would never learn and grow. I’ve made many mistakes in my life. It’s hard to judge if you’re ‘normal’, as not many people tend to talk about the mistakes that they made. It feels like I make small mistakes every day. Mistakes are a normal part of the human experience. Yes, I still make mistakes, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life. Some mistakes have more of a loss attached to them, and some are just good life lessons. For example, a few years ago, I went through a really hard time and gave away probably 90% of my stuff. I just wanted to start over. It helped me to get rid of all my stuff, for a while. And then I started realizing that I had to do laundry twice a week because I had no clothing. I didn’t have enough blankets for my bed. I got rid of so many things, little trinkets, jewelry, makeup. I’m still ‘recovering’ from getting rid of all my stuff. I recently started wanting to wear makeup again, to make myself feel pretty instead of trying to impress someone. However, I got rid of most of my makeup, so I had to start over with that too. This mistake has left a lasting impact on me, but if I had not have made it, I would not have learned all the contradicting lessons that come with it. Sometimes you just need to start over. The hardest part of this mistake was that I am now a college student, having to pay for tuition as well as necessities like shampoo and food. I also do not work during school, which makes buying anything that I don’t immediately need (food) really stressful. However, I’m still young, and I’m learning. The moral of this story; some mistakes are larger than others. Try to find the silver lining in your mistakes. What did you learn? Forgive yourself and try to move on.

    

4. Your friends should not take advantage of you. They’re not friends.

   I’ve had my share of great friendships over my 20 years of being alive. However, I have made the mistakes of befriending the ones who will take advantage of me. Usually, at least for me, if you feel as though you need to change yourself to fit in with somebody, (for me it was always the ‘cool’ kids) then they are not good people to be hanging around. Yes, it might not hurt you to hang around them, or you could have a ‘friend’ who convinces you to steal and bullies you while pulling it off as ‘accidental’ or ‘your misunderstanding’. You should not feel taken advantage of by your friends. If both sides are not working just as hard and getting the same benefits out of the friendship, then somebody will end up feeling used. The hardest thing is the fear of not fitting in can lead you to try to befriend (or cling onto) these people, without you realizing that they are just using or abusing you.

5. Don’t apologize for being yourself.

   I have been apologetic about everything about myself for as long as I can remember. I do blame this partly on society, as it seems as though every way I turn I am bombarded with the message of ‘if you don’t put yourself down for something, you will become conceited and bad’. It’s so hard to fight the judgment that comes with this message, because whenever you think highly of yourself, even something non-physical, such as artistic ability, you end up putting yourself down even more for even daring to think highly of yourself. I cannot give knowledge on how to overcome this, other than just working on forgiving yourself if you do judge or apologize, saying sorry less, and fake confidence in stating that you like something or are good at something. See 1) – not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. I’m not saying it will be easy, but it’s something I’ve learned the hard way in the last few years, and something I think I will always be working on. However, it will get easier, that much I’m certain of.

6. Do something to make yourself smile every day.

   Have you ever heard the saying that ‘laughter is the best medicine’? It’s true. There have been studies that have shown smiling, even if you are feeling horrible, boosts your mood. Faking confidence can scientifically improve your mood a little, pushing you more towards that ‘true’ confidence. I find that super cool! Yes, it’s hard, because as humans, it would be exhausting to feel happy and good all the time, we need those down times to appreciate the happiness. But once a day, make time to smile. I don’t care if it’s playing dress-up, coloring, going outside and twirling around like a 5-year-old, singing karaoke in your awesome fuzzy pajama pants, or watching a funny YouTube channel. See 5), don’t apologize for who you are/what you like. You can also call up a friend, or try new Snapchat filters. I really like photography, so for me, a fun thing to make me smile would be going outside with my camera in the light misty rain and running around taking pictures.

7. Stop feeling guilty for creating time/spending money on self-care.

   My view of society is that it’s frowned upon to spend time and/or money doing anything as selfish as self-care. Really, anything that’s not working towards a large, physical goal (like graduating) is a waste of time and we should judge ourselves for it. Yes, I even mean watching YouTube. I tend to waste a day on YouTube every once in a while (and I’m not watching educational videos – gasp!), and afterwards I feel extremely guilty and stressed, which makes me want to ignore the stuff I have to do (homework) even more, to try to reduce the piling on of the stress. It’s important to, every once in a while, do something for self-care WITHOUT FEELING GUILT. Yes, even spending a whole day on YouTube, if it relaxes you and refreshes your brain, it’s something you should make time for. If it’s playing one of those online games, and possibly even spending real money in those games, as long as it makes you happy/less stressed, and you’re not going into debt or addicted to the games, I’d say it’s okay to play them once in a while. Go to a movie by yourself. Yes, it costs money, but you are allowed to spend money on yourself for something fun every once in a while. Rent a movie on iTunes and put on a face mask. Buy yourself an item of makeup that you have been wanting for a while now. Treat yourself every once in a while. The key is not to feel guilty or worry about judgment (from yourself or others), otherwise, it creates more stress and is not proper self-care. Self-care should make you feel good, empowered, and like you can take a break from responsibilities (and take a deep breath) for 5 minutes.

8. Read.

   I used to read all the time as a kid. Now that I’m in college, I don’t read nearly as much. Even assigned reading is a chore. I guess in high school where I had to read assigned reading all the time, I kind of lost my motivation to read. And now, everything is easier to access on screens, but not as satisfying as reading a physical book. One large benefit of reading is that it enhances your vocabulary, as well as making you aware of other worldviews and perspectives. I have a stack of books on my ‘to-read’ shelf, but most of them are only on a list. One of my goals for this year is to read books without them being assigned that I just want to read. Maybe before bed! Reading can take you everywhere, and make you feel so many emotions. One of the best feelings is getting lost in a good book, and then looking up and being confused as to what year it is, and where you are.

9. Stay away from social media as much as possible.

   Okay, okay. What am I saying? Social media can be addictive. Many people, especially teenagers, are addicted to social media. Although, I could argue that this blog is a form of social media. If you comment on blog posts, aren’t you engaging in social networking over the internet? I mean social media like Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, Youtube, Snapchat sorts of ways. Of course, these can enhance your life, however, make sure that they are enhancing a life you have outside of social media.

10. College is so much better and so much worse than high school.

11. It’s okay to think you’re beautiful. It does not mean you’re conceited.

12. Appreciate your parents. We (or at least I) do not do this enough.

13. Take care of yourself!

14. Start building good habits when you are young.

15. Don’t buy clothing or wear makeup to impress someone. Do it to impress yourself.

16. Become a boss (on days when you really don’t feel like it).

17. Make time to do things that you love.

18. Learn as much as you can in your free time. But don’t overdo it.

19. You don’t need to have your life in order. Trust me, nobody does.

20. Take stock of what really matters.

So, here I am, in 2020. I am 23. It is August. I am almost 24. Which in itself is scary, and I am now going to stop thinking about that because I just felt like the world was imploding. Anyways. You might notice that this post is not finished. You would be correct! I tried writing this when I was 20. I managed to find 20 things (thank you Internet), but I exhausted myself with schoolwork and trying to be everywhere at once, and I was not able to finish writing the excerpts for every single one of the 20 life lessons. So, what did perfectionist Fiona do? Yeah. It sat it my drafts. Until today. Because I am 23 and I am going to post it because it is not finished. It is not perfect. And it is okay the way it is. And my therapist will be proud.